Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
