textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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