Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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