She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
