By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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