My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
