You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize