I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
