You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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