oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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