He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it's like iHOP with fire
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
