He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
