i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
