Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
