i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
