Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
