You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
