Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
