I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
