woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
