This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he was CRYING into my vagina
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
