My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My dick has a subreddit
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
