i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
