i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
