Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I've blown a few things in my day
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He better not be in your backpack
I just blew my weed a kiss
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
