you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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