btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
