Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize