Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
