I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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