Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
