just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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