Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize