I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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