This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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