I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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