Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
