your room smells of hookers.
And success
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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