I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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