Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
