He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
