Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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