Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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