He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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