My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
