Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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