and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
