Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
