I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
