Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
