Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
