Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
