She said her name was "party"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
