She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
