there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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