He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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