If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
