I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
